Tough Times

I am very grateful for short memories. I had (almost) completely forgotten what it was like to be pregnant. I have had some lovely reminders. I only began to throw up a few weeks ago, but it feels like forever.
During a lovely visit with family, I had to take a trip to the hospital to get rehydrated. This means that my puking culminated into dehydration which meant the luxury of I.V. fluids bringing hydration back into my needy body. They also tried pumping me with various nausea medication, but none of them worked (I continued to feel nauseous and to vomit). But, after 2 bags (and since it was 4 am and we had been there since midnight) they released me to my wonderful...bed.

After feeling good (only throwing up once per day) for a few days, I began to go downhill.
After a long phone call with the nurse at my OB's office, she offered to give me weekly I.V. therapy. This is much easier than getting PICC line for home therapy because I am still able to do the things I must do (like finish school).

While I may seem chipper, sickness has been draining me. I am frustrated because I cannot do my daily housekeeping and mothering duties. I feel like a huge burden on Ben and stay up at night thinking over my shortcomings. Things that used to be easy (if not boring) require huge amounts of energy that I require for homework and taking care of Emily.

I feel like I complain so much. I hate the smell, look, and everything about our house. I hate food because it doesn't stay down. I cry over little things and feel so down.

I know that once I am not pregnant or not sick (whichever comes first) I will begin to like things again, it is difficult right now.

After much thinking, I realized that there must be a reason for my sickness. Less than 1% of pregnant women develop hyperemesis and only half of those are sick for the entire pregnancy. Since most of my friends, thankfully, experience pregnancies that are easy, I figure that I must need something. I realized today what that something is--humility. I know I am a prideful person, so Heavenly Father knows that this experience will diminish my pride and bring me closer to Him. This may seem odd, but really how do you get closer to God? Trials. I feel this the most when I am pregnant. Even though I throw up multiple times a day (think 20-30 on bad days, 1-10 on good), I am still able to take care of Emily, do my homework, and study for finals. I can even pull off excellent grades.

At the same time I understand that I will continue to grow from this trial. One of the greatest blessings has been for me to find ways to serve others. This can be as simple as calling to see how one of my friend's or a fellow church member is doing. I pray to know of ways I can serve so that I can remove the focus from myself back to others. While this may seem absurd, I cannot express how wonderful it feels to serve others. This is how I can become more like Jesus Christ. In the midst of His afflictions he sought ways to serve those around him. While I am no way near perfect, I am trying everyday to find ways of improvement. Actually, I am usually nudged (or pushed) in the direction I need to go for improvement. I feel very grateful that despite the intensity of my sickness, I have a loving Heavenly Father who constantly leads, guides, and comforts me in my darkest hours.

Thank you for all of those who give and have given help to me and my family at this time. I appreciate all of you. I especially thank our family members who reach out for all of us on a daily basis. Austin has been wonderfully gracious in taking care of the Queen when I need it and continually washing the dishes and the laundry. Finally, thank you, Ben, for giving me support at all times. I would not be able to make it through my pregnancies without your love. Thank you for constantly buying what fancies me at the moment, even when I throw it up immediately after. I appreciate everything you sacrifice for me, for Emily, and for the Lord. I love you.