Three Years and 11 Months

Next month will be the 4 year anniversary of when we found out I was pregnant with Emily.

I woke up at 4 am to pee and to surprise Ben with a pregnancy test, it was his birthday after all.  The test was ensconced in a cellophane wrapper that crinkled as I opened it, the noise strong enough to notify Ben of what I was trying to do. He hurriedly came into the bathroom and asked, "are you taking a test?"

"Yes," I mumbled, "I was trying to surprise you, haha."

After I peed on the stick, I placed it on the counter for both of us to watch.  Within minutes, two lines appeared--we looked at each other with shared excitement.  

Now we have two beautiful children: a girl and a boy aged 3 and 2.  I am constantly surprised at how lucky I am to have these two sweet hearts.

There are certain memories I will always hold tight to my chest:

• Feeling Emily kick at 22 weeks while sitting in my morning class
• Taking Castor Oil at 38 weeks to induce labor and actually going into labor
• Watching the Olympics while in the triage room, waiting to see if I would progress enough to stay
• Being told that we were not leaving the hospital without a baby
• That last push (when I had to convince my midwife NOT to give me an episiotomy) before feeling Emily exit the birth canal and be caught by the midwife

• Holding Emily for the first time and wondering how in the world I got here and what the hell was I supposed to do now
• Crying because Emily would need to be under the bili lights for over a week (I really REALLY hate those things)
• Feeling her tender skin against my body as I nursed her
• Sleeping with her next to me so I wouldn't have to be away from her (and so I could get more sleep)
• Taking Emily to class with me 

• Finding out I was pregnant with Andrew
• Feeling him move at 13 weeks
• Watching my belly grow and wondering how I would handle two kids, 14 months apart
• Taking anti-depressants so I could return to the normal and optimistic wife and mother
• Having alternate feelings of happiness and frustration as pre-term labor continued for 8 weeks
• Going to the hospital at 36 weeks and told that I was really progressing but not enough to stay
• Returning 5 hours later with the nurses saying, "you will definitely be staying!" and me asking for an epidural IMMEDIATELY
• Giving birth 2 hours later

• Nursing Andrew for the first time and feeling that instant connection that only a mom and baby can feel
• Sleeping with Andrew next to me because I didn't want to miss a thing
• Bringing Andrew home to an excited Emily
• Wondering if Andrew's colic would ever go away while also loving holding him so much
• Taking my two babies everywhere and feeling like the luckiest momma alive

I have been a mom for almost 4 years now.  I can't remember not having Emily and Andrew, something that I am incredibly grateful for as I watch them grow into amazing individuals.

As I consider this past 18 months, I wonder if I would have done things differently had I seen the future: Two babies within 14 months followed by 4 miscarriages.  Would I have slowed things down a bit to enjoy their baby stages more?  Would I have decided against working full-time?

I don't think so.  These four losses have been incredibly hard, but they haven't been the end for me and our family.  I have two beautiful children who still need me and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

They are also the best of friends and just amazing.

God, I love these kids.

P.S. I think I take some dang good pictures with my little point and shoot.  THAT'S talent, people.